We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
