so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
