Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
