I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
