I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
