Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
