Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
