He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
