You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
