It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
