Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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