You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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