i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think my moral compass just broke
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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