i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
