Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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