ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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