dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
