dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wanna go halves on a baby?
4 words: hood of his car
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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