What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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