God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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