this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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