Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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