Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
