Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
