I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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