My liver just broke up with me...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
pray to the hookup gods
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
