I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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