The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
