and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
