What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
