I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
