Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
