I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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