you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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