PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
