Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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