dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
