YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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