No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
