Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
