finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
