so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
