Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This baby is an asshole
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
