Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
this is an emotional support booty call
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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