nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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