i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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