The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to jail i love you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
