Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
