apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
