I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we're making bets on your personal life
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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